Monday, 21 December 2009

A Truimph For Mankind

Last night saw history being made, with the X-Factor being pretty much booted off their 4 year long Christmas number 1 throne. Rage Against The Machine's classic protest epic Killing In The Name was used as the vehicle of a Facebook group encouraging users to download the song to compete against the predictable victory of X-Factor geordie lad Joe McEldery. Killing In The Name has been carved into time as the largest selling one week digital download in history (Over 500,000 sold) and first Christmas Number 1 to reach the top spot through download only. Incidentally, it's victory was spawned by the only useful Facebook group on the planet.

Seeing Rage's victory over the X-Factor doesn't just make for an awesome Christmas Number 1, but it also stands as a triumph for mankind in general. Proof that not every person in England is as bland and herded to purchase what Simon Cowell tells them to. The X-Factor is everywhere, with it's winners, previous contestants and judges all with songs in the charts. Cheryl Cole, Alexandra Burke, Leona Lewis and JLS all link the X-Factor into the British public's earholes via the charts as we speak.

Almost all of these TV pop contest winners have never got further than one hit wonder status, and those that have survived their initial 15 minutes of fame continue to provide filler for Radio 1's singles countdown. There's no passion brought forth, no emotion, no BALLS! On the other hand, after nearly 18 years, Killing In The Name hasn't lost any of the raw power that made it such a phenomenon in the first place.

The success of this campaign shows that we can still get great music in the charts amongst all the bile. But why stop at Rage Against The Machine? Let's continue to buy music that actually means something, and put The X-Factor's generic, assembly-line horseshit to bed.

Friday, 11 December 2009

The Vocal-tuned Slutbucket



2009 has been an interesting year for music. We've seen familiar faces from the underground such as The Dear Hunter, HORSE The Band, Every Time I Die, NOFX, Psychostick and many more releasing terrific new material unto a world that doesn't care, as they're too busy watching mainstream pop music crash and burn with very few survivors crawling from the wreckage.


It would be so easy to pick on every popstar I've resented this year, whether it's the vocal-tuned slutbucket Ke$ha, the swaggering, ear-aching wall of Na-Na-Naiis that Dappy from N-Dubz has spewed out, or the physically sickening Jonas Brothers. All that aside, nobody takes the cake for most sickening band of the year than The Jonas Brothers, but I've blogged about them already so I'm going to hurl some shit at The Black Eyed Peas instead.


Aside from getting their management to punch Perez Hilton in the face, the Black Eyed Peas haven't really made much of a positive impact on the world this year. Yet again, for the best part of the 21st Century, they haven't released almost anything worth listening to. Back in the late nineties, Black Eyed Peas only consisted of 3 members, those being Will.I.Am (A name I refuse to pronounce the same way he spells it), apl.de.ap, and Taboo. About a decade ago they were making what some people would like to call 'Real Hip-Hop music.' Their work didn't sound to dissimilar to what Jurassic 5 were releasing at the time, production-wise. It was sample heavy, but mainly from old jazz and lounge music records rather than the stolen Dick Dale riff used in 2003's 'Pump It.' Their debut Behind The Front holds it's place among my favourite hip-hop albums. They brought a certain innocense back to the rap genre, the same light-spirited high-jinx that wouldn't look out of place on an old De La Soul or Tribe Called Quest LP.

The opening track's lyrics state "I see you try to dis our function, by stating we can't rap, is it 'cause we don't wear Tommy Hilfiger or baseball caps? We don't use dollars to represent, we use our inner sense and talent."

Does that sound at all like The Black Eyed Peas we know today? A pop quartet dressed almost entirely in designer gear with a massive sense of their own self-importance.

In 2003 they incorporated Fergie, an hour-glass shaped, duck-faced woman who looked like an alien invader from the planet Formica. They immediately dumbed down their music and lyrical attack for the masses, releasing overly patronising wannabe-political powerhouse 'Where Is The Love?' among other songs that in no way ironically depicted their target audience (*cough* 'Let's Get Retarded' *cough*). Their second album got even worse. Their second full-length release with Daffy Duck included 'My Humps'. Probably the most embarrasing performances by any hip-hop artist since Dee Dee Ramone, and the musical equivalent of an American Pie movie (Not the good ones but the others). Listening to that song is probably more annoying than being beaten over the head with a crying child, and can immediately drop your IQ by simply listening to it.


Now onto this year and the Peas return with a relentlessly stupid pile of electroshit titled 'Boom Boom Pow'. A song that's literally about nothing. Absolutely nothing. The group's voices have been synthesized to the point of sounding like Daleks, especially Fergie. The song was so incredibly horrific, a lot of people were confused by it's horridness and started enjoying it instead, sending it to No. 1 in the charts. Indisputable evidence that pop music turns people into fucking idiots. The same with 'I Gotta Feeling,' a song that doesn't even sound like a song. More like a list of phrases written over a period of about 5 minutes, by a group of cretins that use the word 'Party' as a verb. Most of these phrases are repeated a ridiculous amount of times. 'Tonights gonna be a good night' reoccurs an unimaginable 21 times, implanting itself into your brain like a fucking horrible tumor. It doesn't help that the majority of the populus carries it around on pocket-sized electronics either.


The Black Eyed Peas aren't making music for the people anymore. They've lost their ability to rap, they wear Tommy Hilfiger and baseball caps. They use dollars to represent, without inner sense or talent. It's music made for the lucrative ringtone market. It's music made for brainless idiots in the sickening dance clubs. It's music for the fucking stupid masses.


It's charmless. That's all I'm trying to say, which is unfortunate because music never used to be short of charm.

Thursday, 22 October 2009

Facebook Groups Are Useless, And So Are You...





FAN 1. A person who has interest or likes something, or somebody. Can refer to many things including sports, movie stars, food/drink and so on. Basically anybody that likes something.
"I am a big fan of basketball."

"I am the biggest Star Wars fan ever."


Social networking sites, massive online hubs for living walking eating shitting anxiety machines that aren't entirely comfortable with coming into contact with their fellow man. Every day, millions of these people flock to websites like this to simply look at what their friends are doing or how their feeling without taking the effort to ask them in person through audible conversation (Me included). Having scrolled through vast amounts of pictures of friend-related happenings, just like they want you to, you give them recognition for their everyday actions by commenting the post or simply just liking it. Things would be so much easier in the real world if we adopted the thumbs up or down formula, of course it would make proposing to your sweetheart a lot less eventful.

So what ties this in with the quote you see at the top of this post? Groups. A small or large number of like-minded acquaintances that congregate in the wonderful land of the Internets. Groups usually get together for rather focused reasons, whether it's socialising, helping those less fortunate, playing music together or necking ketamine in a field before being swallowed whole by an unrelentingly horrifying grass monster. Groups have been around since the dawn of time, ranging from a gathering of billions of molecules on the tip of a pre-historic stone to billions of under-evolved fundamentalists praying to unprovable men in the sky. With the sheer amount of groups out there, it comes as no surprise that their reasons for existence have became less meaningful as a whole, which brings me to Facebook.

For the past year or so, Facebook has surpassed Myspace as the Internet's top "LOOK AT ME!" website, and like any other decent social networking website, it has it's fair share of Fan-related groups, but as the amount of groups has grown, the reason of the group's existences have slumped. I get several suggestions per log-in on my homepage for these so-called groups. It's of the utmost importance that I know what my friends enjoy. The worst offenders being things like "17 of your friends are fans of sex." Shouldn't these things seem obvious? As long as my friends have reproductive organs, I shall be quick to assume that they enjoy sex. There's nothing too mysterious about that fact. Next you'll be telling me they've discovered fire.
"50 of your friends are fans of Food." Well thanks for pointing that out. I have perfectly healthy eyes but somehow I couldn't figure out that all of these Food fans weren't malnurished, anorexia-stricken skeletons.
"25 of your friends are fans of Cuddles In Bed." Of course they enjoy cuddles in bed. Who wouldn't enjoy embracing with their significant other in the epitome of comfort, I suppose the other 90 people in your friends list deny this joy just to be 'alternative.'

Facebook has always been a place to express your interests and your enjoyments, but now we are made to point out things that we would obviously find enjoyable. You don't have to glance at a stranger for too long to figure out that he/she enjoys a good drink and a rough shag. These are simple, common, universal human character traits. If you have to come out and announce it then go the whole hog and tell us how much of a fan you are of breathing, standing, sitting and excreting.

Surely it's a rum state of affairs when we have to present such predictable enjoyments to simply prove our existence and similarities to the rest of the world. As if we're that desperate to find things that we have in common with these arseholes. If you're going to start a Facebook group, make sure it's a worthwhile contribution to society, and not just another shitty excuse for a discussion board about how much you love Bacon butties. Facebook groups are useless, and so are you.

Friday, 25 September 2009

First post


If you don't know this face by now, you're probably most of the planet. Blogging has become a very valuable outlet for me over my years of creating Interweb content. It's a way for me to vent my frustration towards the world around me without physically demolishing everything I see. But no matter how much thought I put into my writings, they seem to go largely unnoticed. I believe Blogspot will provide these ramblings with a bit more substance.

All of my new blog posts will be posted on this site rather than my very lonely Myspace blog. If you like what I'm posting, leave me a comment, if you don't, leave me a comment.

For all prior blog posts click HEEEEEERE!