Thursday, 18 February 2010

Musical Cancer



The three men that you see in this picture, were collectively known at one stage in time as Reuben, one of the greatest bands in the history of English music. These young 3 guys from Aldershot worked as hard as they possibly could to keep putting out fantastic music, touring relentlessly to simply finance their records. They released three fantastic albums in their time, musically eclipsing any of their contempories with jarring instrumentals, fantastic lyrics, and the aggressive force of Jamie Lenman's powerful voice. Even with their relentless touring and loyal fans, things became harder for Reuben, with Jamie working in a local chippy just to keep a steady income, so the band split up.

Reuben could have been huge, they were one of the most talented bands of their time, and their music was ignored by the mainstream, because the British populous is more interested in buying music from these pricks!


Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, musical cancer. John and Edward Grimes, or "Jedward" as retards insisted on calling them, started out as 2 insufferable little twats who got their big break on Britain's most popular shortcut to fame, The X-Factor, performing songs with less musical prowess than a Butlins staff tribute to Steps. Simon Cowell described their performance the same way he described the first time he saw The Exorcist, continuing with "I thought it was horrible, but I wanted to see it again." Fairly amusing quote there, but I would compare it more to Date Movie, being that their performances were perpetually shit and I would never get paid to sit through it again.

Now besides from the fact that the twins look like malnourished Johnny Bravos twinned with an 8 year old Robbert Pattison, there's nothing else that's really interesting to say about them aesthetically, however it is interesting to think why anybody would want to spend hard-earned money on this appalling excuse for a single. Teaming up with Robert Van Winkle (That's Vanilla Ice to you) they have immediately pigeonholed themselves to one hit wonder status, drafting an over the hill, 42 year old white rappist that lost relevancy almost 20 years ago.

The music video is probably the most disgraceful visual we'll see this year. There's an intense feeling that washes over you once you finish watching their pop promo, the sickening thought in the back of your head that you've just gotten dumber. It's the gut-punch feeling that you've just witnessed something completely devoid of artistic integrity and creative merit. How could somebody ever find enjoyment in two Vanilla Ice wannabes jiving around with Vanilla Ice (Who himself appears to be a Fred Durst wannabe). They're the only kids that can cover a song as stupid as "Ice Ice Baby" and make Vanilla Ice look better by comparison. They're at the bottom of the rap barrel, along with Marky Mark & The Funk Bunch and the Insane Clown Posse, who have reportedly fell through the barrel due to weight restrictions.

Mankind will really need to pull their fingers out to regain the dignity lost by buying this dross. Maybe we should all pitch in a couple of pounds to finance a true alternative music triumph. Maybe something like John & Edward being put into the stocks for a week, whilst The Residents pelt tomatoes at them. That should wipe the shit-eating grin off their faces.

John and Edward will surely fade away in the months to come, but you people in the target market will only be happy to accept another creatively bankrupt piece of musical dirge to fill the black hole in your brain where good taste should be. You'll nod your head in your sickening nightclubs, to the same old bass drum beat you've heard on a million top ten hits before, completely ignorant to all the great music you're missing out on. You will wander round this rock for your whole life, not knowing that you forced bands like Reuben to split up, because you'd rather buy Jedward's single instead.