Thursday, 2 June 2011

The Worst Show I've Never Seen.

It's been little over a week since the first episode of Geordie Shore aired, and according to this BBC News article, the network debut "borders on pornography" as quoted by Newcastle Central MP, Chi Onwurah. Now, looking at two dictionary definitions (In case you were wondering), pornography is a: Obscene writings, drawings, photographs or the like, especially those having little or no artistic merit, or b: The depiction of acts in a sensational or sexual manner, so as to arouse a quick intense emotional reaction.

There you have it: the show in a nutshell. In the same vein as it's New Jersey originator, the show basically consists of collected scenes of chiseled, large-breasted, loud-mouthed human carrots drinking heavily, vacuously preening about how great they are, lifting weights and fucking each other.

Now, before I go any further, I'd like to quash any assumptions about the show's impact on me by saying that I haven't watched any of it. I haven't watched it and I have no plans on ever doing so. Regardless of this fact, everything I am about to say about the show is accurate, and most definitely true.

It's safe to assume the first episode will consist of (And it did) the human caricatures infinitely overstating their most-loved features to massively embarrassing level, in cheery introductory VTs featuring their charming parents' homes (Where they still probably live) before meeting each other in their hideously decorated central city flat and immediately deciding who they want to have intercourse with, and who the will declare a 'slag.'

If the trailer is anything to go by, said cunt-estants will be required to exhale regional accents so strong they will appear to be Little Britain parodies of Newcastle locals. The girls are typically skimpy-clothed, two-faced, bitchy sausage-wallets and the accompanying males are fanny hungry borderline date rapists, who talk about nothing but themselves, the gym, clubbing, 'smashing birds,' and fucking football. For face value, MTV may have also inserted an additional male contestant who holds a slight disinterest to aforementioned topics. He will be used as a simple catalyst or nice guy, to make the show look more two-dimensional, even though it most definitely isn't.

Fuck you.

The remainder of the show is likely to consist of the group downing shots, looking into mirrors, vomiting, snogging and making arseing great tits out of themselves (Probably in a jacuzzi) before culminating with their first big night out. During this night out, they will gather in one or more of Newcastle's biggest cock-hives (My money's on Madame Koo's or Riverside) to make further tits of themselves, snog some more, get completely inebriated, vomit some more, fist pump like cave men and start a fight. Eagerly satisfied, one of our male contestants may have left with a female accomplice beer-goggled enough to sleep with him. The gentleman will take her back to the self-proclaimed 'shag-pad,' where they will share several pelvic thrusts before our male protagonist (Probably named Gaz) will unleash a dribbling eruption of gummy translucent plasm onto the face of an understandably physically recoiled female face.

Change location, re-arrange roles, times this by ten and you've got yourself a series!

The first few episodes of Jersey shore hid behind a paper thin veneer of format by giving the proud 'guidos' jobs. After these first few episodes, any idea of format was abandoned as sensationalism took over. 2 years down the line, any suspension of disbelief has been tossed away and the show has been guffed out onto TV screens across the globe in hopes of ruffling as many feathers as possible, capitalizing on a region's most sickening lifestyles (Some of which never belonged to Newcastle in the first place). Getting absolutely trollied and falling face first onto the concrete outside of Tiger Tiger has been well documented in Newcastle, but how many tanned, muscular Geordie Males did you meet before Jersey Shore broadcasted? Close to none is likely to be the answer.

This mass-borrowing of dickhead culture may eventually lead to mankind losing it's identity altogether and watching these insecure vanity machines, armed with a vocabulary they are probably contractually obliged to use, will only lead to the complete downfall of civilization…and you'll all be to blame.

The show doesn't offend me as such, it just angers, disappoints and depresses me beyond all measure. It's the worst show I've never seen.